Most leaders say they want feedback. But many of them can’t handle the feedback that actually matters: the kind that makes you uncomfortable, hits a nerve, and makes you sit back and think, “I don’t like hearing this.”
That’s the kind of feedback you need the most, and the way you respond to it will not only determine whether or not you keep receiving it, but how others in your firm receive it too.
Imagine you gather your team together and tell them you want their honest feedback. You ask them what you can do better. A highly accountable team member takes you at your word and tells you something that doesn’t paint you in the best light. Your response is something along the lines of: “That’s not true!” or, “That’s ridiculous!”
What do you think will happen the next time you ask for feedback?
When you teach people that the only feedback that matters is one that flatters you, they’ll respond with silence next time you need the harsh truth.
The people who care most about the organization’s success — and therefore your success and growth — will stop sharing what they really think.
That’s a very dangerous place for a leader to be in. Feedback from highly accountable people keeps you from developing blind spots. To keep scaling, you need people around you who are unafraid of being blunt when needed.
The irony is that when leaders like this give others feedback and they get defensive, the leader gets frustrated. They wonder why their team can’t just see that they’re trying to help them get better. So isn’t it hypocritical to react the same way when it’s that leader’s turn to be in the receiver’s chair?
There’s also a whole other layer to this: Our reactions as leaders affect and model behavior for the entire firm. If you get defensive, your team will too. But receive feedback with gratitude and understanding and you will encourage a culture of vulnerability, curiosity, and growth.
That’s why some of the most valuable feedback you’ll ever receive is the feedback that stings. If a piece of feedback feels completely disconnected from reality, it usually doesn’t bother you. If you hear something harsh that doesn’t resonate, you generally just shrug and move on. But if it hits a nerve, that’s a sign that there’s at least a kernel of truth to it. The stinging is pointing you to the place that needs addressing.
When you do, despite the uncomfortable feeling, you start to grow.
So the next time you receive feedback that feels less than flattering, try not to react immediately to it. Instead, pause and sit with it. Learn to process it, whether it’s through journaling, meditation, taking a long walk, or anything else. Then ask yourself: “What part of this could be true?”
Knowledge is power. But only if there’s action attached to it.
The leaders who improve the fastest are the ones who hear important feedback, consider it objectively, and then use it. First to improve their own behavior and subsequently grow. Second, to set an example of how feedback should actually be received, molding a company culture where growth matters more than ego.
