Imagine a scenario:
You give someone on your team a raise, some new or expanded benefit package, updated office perks, upgraded equipment, etc. — but, perplexingly, don’t even get a thank you. Sound familiar?
This happens when you mistakenly think that spending more money on someone buys you their gratitude. It doesn’t.
We live in an era of unprecedented access to comfort in our country. These days, you don’t even have to leave your house for food, entertainment, or human interaction. You can listen to any song with the click of a button, binge an entire series in one sitting, while your dinner is prepared and delivered to your doorstep, all with a press of a few buttons. Life’s gotten easy.
And while, to a degree, more comfort can be a good thing, I would argue that life’s gotten too easy for all of us.
When comfort becomes the baseline, people start to feel entitled — not because they’re bad or lazy, but because they forget how rare this level of access actually is.
Travel outside the US and you’ll see people sweeping streets and serving food with a smile and pride in what they do. They’re true professionals, unashamed of their position, taking pride in it. Not because they get paid obscenely for it or have top-notch stock options, but because they’ve managed to retain something that we, in this uber-comfortable side of the world, have lost: gratitude.
Things are so good in this country that our baseline has shifted. You used to get excited about your first paycheck. Now you’re disappointed when your bonus isn’t double last year’s.
The problem isn’t money. It’s comparison (also known as the thief of joy).
We no longer compare ourselves to our own progress. We compare ourselves to strangers on Instagram and their carefully curated highlight reels.
“They went on a vacation to Italy. Why don’t I?”
“They posted about getting a raise. When was the last time I got one?”
But the problem here is, of course, that you never see behind the scenes. You don’t see the debt, the layoffs, or the years of struggle. You see a polished photo and think you’re behind, so you get down on yourself and then feel entitled.
If your team seems to be filled with people like this — people who’ve lost their gratitude and replaced it with entitlement — and you’re wondering how you can change them, prepare to be disappointed. You can’t.
You can do amazing things for people. You can care deeply for them and show them appreciation for the hard work they do, as you always should. But you cannot force them to appreciate you back.
Of course, some team members will be moved and touched by your dedication to them — those who understand the symbiotic nature of your relationship and feel grateful to be in their position. But there will also always be some thorns who always want more — those who are happy the first and the second time they get a raise but continue to feel entitled to it going forward.
It’s in many people’s human nature to ask for more, the more they receive.
For people who’ve forgotten to be grateful, good becomes normal. Luxury becomes an entitlement.
This doesn’t mean you should neglect your whole team or never give them perks for their work.
But you should do good because it’s who you are, lead because it’s what you believe in, and give without expectation that you’ll magically change some people’s nature.
Build a team, a culture, and a business not based on getting gratitude, but showing it.
Gratitude starts at the top.
Sometimes, the most powerful way to inspire behavior in others is to model it yourself.
